the world has shifted

This has been working on me for a while. I left this writing sit to be sure I really believed it. 


For all of us that have experienced this shift, I feel there is an obligation for us to spread the word - to help others to have eyes and ears to hear this new world order that is evolving. 


Maybe you've only had a moment where it seemed like the group really came together - lots of energy - no egos - generosity of spirit -love. That is the new way of being in the world.

So here are my thoughts on this -

A Small Group, Open Space, Art of Hosting, World Café, Women’s Circles, and more are modeling a new (old) way of gathering, of being in community and of doing business. The modern world model of community held us hostage to hierarchy, command and control – required a charismatic leader who held all the power.

In the new model of gathering – community – we share the roles and responsibilities of leadership and embrace the wisdom of the elders and the young.

When we are in community our whole is greater than our parts. Both, we and community increase in our capacity to think complexly – and simplify and clarify who we are and what we want for the collective.

Modeling a healthy community process (like A Small Group community) has increased my capacity to think, sit with dissent (still much room for improvement), be creative, affirm, value differences, give and receive gifts. I carry this with me where ever I show up and risk sharing with our “modern” communities. I am challenged to be bolder in asking for what I need from my community and taking responsibility for my own experience.

It is not easy to be brave and risk dissent.

What happens for me every time we gather in these ancient ways – my spirit soars. It is like a caged bird that has been set free. These new/old ways so resonate with me that my spirit recognizes them immediately – even before my brain understands why I am flooded with such a feeling of coming home.

I'm inviting you to join me in this journey. Will you accept the offer?

Strong Women - Egalitarian Society

Here is the question that has been working on me, "why is it important to me that I live in an egalitarian society?"

I am inviting you to engage with me in a conversation about hierarchy and egalitarian gatherings. How are they different from each other? How can we each lead from the side to move to egalitarian gatherings?

This issue of egalitarianism is beyond gender. Which then raises the question, is ethnicity, education, and class a part of the hierarchy model? I think yes.

This has been working on me since I left a meeting yesterday. I left feeling frustrated at how my energy drained from me as I sat there - not engaged.

The more I have been part of the "new" small group meetings - women's circles - embracing self-organizing...these meetings have become my new normal. I think it is because we use processes in these gatherings to make space for all voices to be heard. I do not feel the men in these gatherings are dominating - but they are there as equals with the women...egalitarian gatherings.

(At our last design teammeeting, Linda & Mike commented that it was one of the strangest meetings they had ever attended. They asked if we always ran meetings this way? They went on to explain why they asked this. Everyone's voice was heard and respected, no voting, but decisions were made, no one person was leading, people volunteered for roles of responsibility for the project as they felt moved to, and differences were allowed and welcomed. They expressed a desire to be in more of these kinds of meetings.)

Yesterday's meeting felt dominated by hierarchy. In particular, everyone (myself included) directing everything to "the leader". Nothing moved. It is not how I want to show up. I want to be responsible for my own experience. How do I ask for what I need in these situations? What has to shift in me to enable me to carry this with me where ever I show up?

The special project meetings feel hierarchical too - whether the Leader is there or not. The best interaction I've had with this group - was a small group conversation after the meeting ended and others had left. Three of us remained behind talking about what was going on for each of us with the group. Thank you Gayle for initiating that conversation.

So far, when I'm not leading the meeting, my best experience in shifting the conversation has been personally taking responsibility in opening the gathering by asking the connection question. (why was it important for you to be here today?) This seems to provide an opening - space - for something different to happen - no matter who has called the meeting.

Is it that simple? Does that really hold the power to shift the conversation? What has been your experience?

The story behind my question of egalitarianism vs. hierarchy is made up of many pieces. Pieces that have recently accumulated to bring me to this conversation -

Several months ago when meeting with the our team the boss showed up - the boss commented how egalitarian Eric and I are when we are facilitating one of the monthly gatherings. It stuck with me and I am still pondering why that was so unusual that it prompted the comment?

Then recently someone who is an elder in the Christian community - told me that there was a time when he would not have met with me - because he was afraid of strong women.

On the surface, I wondered why people have said this to me before? I don't think of myself as particularly strong.

About the same time, I shared in a group how I had a strong relationship with my father and could, and would, argue with him as an adult on differences in opinions and values - but we never were mad at each other. I've been told this is unusual for a daughter - it is the role of a son with the father.

What that says to me is that my father not only always told my sister and me we were equal to men, but modeled it in his actions with us.

What does it mean when someone tells you that you are a "strong woman" or you tell a woman "she is a strong woman"?

What do you think it means that men might be afraid of engaging in conversation or relatinship with a woman who expects to be treated as an equal? Is that your experience?

This is where I have landed today - being a strong woman is just code for saying when I show up I expect to be treated as an equal and to "only" treat you as an equal. (there's that egalitarian thing again.) Also, I'm realizing my energy drains from me when I don't show up this way as it did in yesterday's meeting.

BTW - I don't think I have ever said to a man “you are a strong man”.)

Ringing Bells

This is taken from my recent speech at a Toastmaster's meeting.

Welcome. Thank you Toastmaster, fellow toastmasters, and honored guests. I’m pleased to present to you today.

I have a question for you to ponder - How many times have you facilitated a workshop or made a presentation– and at the end, despite all your preparation and practice, things don’t go according to plan and you wonder what went wrong?

I found myself asking this question after our recent workshop.

Here's the story --

Recently, Eric and I presented our workshop at the Greater Cincinnati Chapter of the American Society of Training and Development’s Fall Conference. It did not go as well as we had hoped or planned.

When we applied and were accepted to be one of 9 workshop presenters – I was excited for the opportunity to present our workshop, Powerful Complaining – Revealing Your Immunity to Change” – My hope was we would do a wonderful job, everyone would want to attend our workshop, and that after the workshop we would be overwhelmed with offers to come present the workshop for their company or coach them individually.

Warning Bell #1 – the first indicator of trouble (and one of many we ignored) we were told we had 75 minutes for our workshop. Wow! How to reduce a workshop that should be at least 3 ½ hours (210 minutes) into 75 minutes, but we knew we could do it.

Warning Bell #2 - our practice workshop that ran 105 minutes. Looking at that realized that we needed to cut 30 minutes was a little troubling. But, we thought if we just reduced the amount of time we gave for each small group activity, and harvesting feedback, we could get it under 75 minutes. Not perfect, but it would work.

Warning Bell #3 – my anxiety began to increase when a few days before the event the organizers notified us that the last 5 minutes of our time would be used by participants to evaluate our presentation with electronic response cards. And also a reminder they would be introducing us – another few minutes chopped off of our valuable time.

What had seemed like marginally doable at 75 minutes – now began to seem impossible.

However, still living in denial, we moved ahead with our plan in tact thinking we would shave off a minute here and there and it would be alright.

Warning Bell #4 - The night before our workshop Eric and I attended the Organizational Development Networks’ monthly meeting. We watched an experienced presenter take us through her workshop in 75 minutes. I was exhausted by how fast it moved and how much information was packed into that 75 minutes AND I realized also that she had a full 75 minutes.

Did all these ringing bells trigger me suggest to Eric, we rethink our presentation?

NO!

Would there have been time to redesign the presentation – maybe.

You may be wondering what happened the day of the conference?

Reality – the person before us ran late and cut into our time. People were late arriving in the room.

Our time which was to start at 2:45 began at 2:55 and had to end at 3:55 – we eliminated some of the experiential aspects of the workshop. As we neared the end of our time and only had 15 minutes left - we delivered the remaining content to them without any small group activity.

We delivered this content and ran over by about 2 minutes.

The good news was that somehow within these time constraints, people got it. People came up to us afterwards and asked good questions. One person said she was going to recommend to her company that they hire us to present the workshop to them.

What were are learnings?

1. The big learning for us: in the future when we are asked to present a workshop in such a short time frame to think outside the box and not be married to “what we want to do” vs. what we can do.

2. And if the bells start ringing, stop what we are doing and re-examine our plans.

Transparency and Dissent

Transparency is the capacity to share relevant information, to have transparent systems and processes – to be authentic and more. (You can’t really hide things, no matter how hard you try – it will always manifest itself.)

Dissent is the capacity of an organization or relationship to allow each other to express a different point of view. If you are not allowed to say NO (dissent), does your YES have any real meaning?

When these 2 characteristics are present, whatever the dysfunctions, issues, differences – we can talk about it. There is a possibility of creating something new.

Where ever I show up, I use these 2 values to determine if this is a place I can be myself.

Since it is true, the only person I can change is myself; being with a group that does not allow for T&D taps into my unhealthy side. I have to remind myself of this - a LOT. If I'm not allowed to say NO, my NO will manifest in a passive agressive way.

What is the attraction in these places? I'm guessing it is because I have not fully let go of my desire to fix others and change others. It seems easier to fix others, than fix myself. BUT being in a dysfuntional environment/relationship is guaranteed to drown out the small voice saying - "you can only change yourself".

Writing this today was me remembering my struggles these last few years with church. You would think that church would be the one place where they would value transparency and dissent...AND you’d be wrong.

I’ve talked with enough former church staff and members to know that this is what has driven many of us to the position of “church alumni”. (Read unChristian by David Kinnaman or Jim and Casper Go To Church by Jim Henderson and Matt Casper.)

We (church alumni) still love Jesus’s Bride – but we’re in pain because of how church leadership has allowed their egos to harm The Bride and the people they are supposed to be serving. We’ve tried working within the system to help make it better, but after being beat up pretty bad (spiritual, emotional abuse) – we are going to try from the outside.

A few of the wounded have started their own churches and are doing well – they are small churches – but very powerful in how they are serving the community. I’m sure there must be one of these in Cincinnati – maybe I haven’t looked in the right place.

What has been your experience with transparency and dissent?

Promptings - our story continues

It has been a long, short week for me. So much stimulation. So much to think about…Christina Baldwin’s workshop, Phyllis Tickle’s talk on the Great Emergence, a new project and training with Sweeten Life Systems, and of course, the monthly A Small Group gathering at Peaslee. I’m feeling exhausted (and strangely energized) this morning. And, as if that wasn’t enough – we’ve switched to daylight savings time. Ugh!

How long will it take me assimilate all of this? Here is a piece.

After reviewing the materials and suggested process from Christina Baldwin's Story as Leadership workshop, I wrote several more stories. She asked us to think of turning points in our lives and our stories about those events.

This reminded me of the trauma I experienced at 9 years old, when our family moved to a new community. While moving is a trauma for many of us, it was compounded by the fact I had to leave my cousin, Diane. We had lived 1 block from each other for 6 years (2/3 of our lives).

We did almost everything together. Diane and I were like twins in many ways.

We have been separated for a long time now. She has lived in Germany for almost 20 years. Her visits home have been few and far between. And, we have not always been able to connect.

Despite all of that, when we are together with family, we have these side conversations. It is like we are 9 years old again. We connect at a heart level – like immediately. I’d walk away and think, that was weird – how did we do that?

Even my sister and I have to do some warm up to get to the hard stuff, but bam! Diane would dig right in telling me her hard stuff.

We have taken such different paths – it would seem we have less and less in common AND yet, there we are having these heartfelt conversations.

Even though I have not seen or heard from Diane in almost 2 years – since her mother’s funeral – I had this strong desire to share my story with Diane of our time together as children and the pain of leaving her in 3rd grade. My intent was to say this is how I’ve experienced the trauma – how did you cope with it?

I send the email off on Saturday night. Sunday morning, there in my inbox was a reply from Diane.

“Lainie, you made me cry.” She went on to tell me that she has not contacted any of us since the funeral. She now realizes she has been hiding in Germany not dealing with her mother’s death. She then went on to tell me that she was in the midst of preparing to come to the USA for a 2 month visit. She had been dreading coming home and the feelings that will come. My email had broken something lose in her – she was now looking forward to coming home to see me and connecting with the rest of the family. She was glad I had written.

When she gets here, I will hold her hand and walk with her through the pain and memories and some laughter.

It is strange how things unfold – frequently in ways you would never imagine. For me, I think it was part of God’s plan. My part was to be obedient to the promptings.

Timing was everything in creating the opportunity for this story to unfold...

If I had not gone to the workshop in Columbus (and there are if’s before this)
If I had not been so moved by the workshop to write my stories
If I had not emailed the story to Diane
If Diane had not been flying home 2 days later….

I sent my story off to her with no expectation of recognition or reward. And yet, if I had not been obedient to the promptings…

My challenge is to maintain this current awareness of “promptings” and act upon them with wisdom.

More random chaos…

Once Upon a Time

I've just returned home from the Story as Leadership workshop led by Christina Baldwin in Columbus at Ohio State University. This has stimulated something in me - the possibility of stories could take me to a new place..

Here is the story I told at this workshop:

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who loved her mother very much, but she was afraid of her mother's anger. One day when she was only 3 years old, she and her mother went to visit her mother's friend. And when they got there, her mother put her in a chair and told her to sit there quietly. She told the child, "children are to be seen and not heard." And so, the little girl sat there without making a sound.

Once upon a time, there was a young woman of 26 years. She and her husband had just moved into their first house with their 2 children. The young woman decided she wanted to be involved in her children's school and get to know her new community. She attended a school PTA meeting and learned there was a need for a Brownie leader. Having been a Girl Scout for 10 years and because of all that Scouting had given to her, she decided this was an opportunity to pass on to other young girls what she had received. She decided to volunteer as the leader.

She loved being with the young girls, sharing walks in the woods, making crafts, getting to know them and their families. BUT she felt alone and had no special friend.

One day, she was attending a neighborhood meeting for the Leaders. As she sat there listening to all the conversations around her, she remained silent. Even though she was not participating in the discussions, she was thinking of all the things she might say if she were to speak. She very much wanted to share with the group her experiences in Scouting and her ideas for this new project. And still she said nothing.

Then, very softly, she heard this small voice whisper in her ear "children are to be seen and not heard...AND you are no longer a child. You are a mother of children." The young women was stunned to hear this and sat there pondering what this meant. She realized this was true.

Very slowly, and with some fear, she began to find her voice. Using her voice, she found her special friend, Joyce. As time past, she came to understand that "children are to be seen AND heard." She began to invite her children to use their voices.

That young woman was me. I am still working to know my voice and speak the words I was born to speak. This is place for me to do that. Thank you for bearing witness.

Random Chaos

random

Definition: haphazard, chance
Synonyms: accidental, adventitious, aimless, arbitrary, casual, contingent, designless, incidental, indiscriminate, irregular, objectless, odd, unconsidered, unplanned, unpremeditated

cha·os

1. A condition or place of great disorder or confusion.
2. A disorderly mass; a jumble.
3. often Chaos The disordered state of unformed matter and infinite space supposed in some cosmogonic views to have existed before the ordered universe.
4. Mathematics A dynamical system that has a sensitive dependence on its initial conditions.

Sometimes I think of my life as "random chaos". A series of events, connections, meetings, phone calls, emails, chance encounters - and yet, somehow they are all connected and provide me with answers I did not know I was seeking and learnings I need now and in the future.

I am a dynamic system that has a sensitive dependence on my initial conditions...

For many years now, (maybe it started 30 years ago?) I have been on a journey that I could not have planned and yet, looking back, I am beginning to see how these random chaotic events have brought me here. Order out of Chaos...

30 years ago, I took my first transformative workshop. It was the life skill courses at College Hill Presbyterian Church in Cincinnati. They changed my life forever. I am still on that journey and it feels like things are beginning to come together. Would I have arrived at this space if I had not had that experience?

My intent with this blog is to give myself a place to bear witness to this journey as I continue to discover myself.

My blogs will not be tied together in a nice neat bow - but they are all connected to each other by beautiful fine strands of community where I have found them.