Your Certainty Leaves No Space For Me

I am reposting a comment I left on my friend, Craig's website this morning - Recycle Your Faith

In late May of this year, I heard Louise (from South Africa) share that after making a presentation - a woman came up to her.  The woman asked Louise if she could offer a suggestion for future talks.  She told Louise that the certainty with which she spoke about the subject had left no space for her to express her voice and her experience - because her experience was different from Louise's certainty.

It has haunted me ever since.  

“Your certainty leaves no space for me.” – I find myself saying this a lot. It is a reminder to me. Am I leaving space for others?

Some things I feel and know so strongly that when I express my certainty – it leaves no room for others to express their experience, perceptions, truths, or beliefs that may be different than my own. I feel convicted to think I have shut out others with my certainty.  

It is only a recent awareness. I thought being certain was a good thing. I am re-thinking that.

How can I have a conversation – dialog with another – if I am leaving no “space” for them?

When I think on this scripture – “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:7-9 – I am reminded how arrogant we humans can be to think we know the mind of God.

Love God, love your neighbor.

Have I cheated them and myself by not hearing their voices?  I think, yes - I am less because I have lost this opportunity to hear their voice.  As I leave space for other voices, my capacity is expanded - their capacity is expanded.  The world is richer for it.

I invite you to join me in setting aside your certainty and in leaving space for other voices.

the world has shifted

This has been working on me for a while. I left this writing sit to be sure I really believed it. 


For all of us that have experienced this shift, I feel there is an obligation for us to spread the word - to help others to have eyes and ears to hear this new world order that is evolving. 


Maybe you've only had a moment where it seemed like the group really came together - lots of energy - no egos - generosity of spirit -love. That is the new way of being in the world.

So here are my thoughts on this -

A Small Group, Open Space, Art of Hosting, World Café, Women’s Circles, and more are modeling a new (old) way of gathering, of being in community and of doing business. The modern world model of community held us hostage to hierarchy, command and control – required a charismatic leader who held all the power.

In the new model of gathering – community – we share the roles and responsibilities of leadership and embrace the wisdom of the elders and the young.

When we are in community our whole is greater than our parts. Both, we and community increase in our capacity to think complexly – and simplify and clarify who we are and what we want for the collective.

Modeling a healthy community process (like A Small Group community) has increased my capacity to think, sit with dissent (still much room for improvement), be creative, affirm, value differences, give and receive gifts. I carry this with me where ever I show up and risk sharing with our “modern” communities. I am challenged to be bolder in asking for what I need from my community and taking responsibility for my own experience.

It is not easy to be brave and risk dissent.

What happens for me every time we gather in these ancient ways – my spirit soars. It is like a caged bird that has been set free. These new/old ways so resonate with me that my spirit recognizes them immediately – even before my brain understands why I am flooded with such a feeling of coming home.

I'm inviting you to join me in this journey. Will you accept the offer?

Strong Women - Egalitarian Society

Here is the question that has been working on me, "why is it important to me that I live in an egalitarian society?"

I am inviting you to engage with me in a conversation about hierarchy and egalitarian gatherings. How are they different from each other? How can we each lead from the side to move to egalitarian gatherings?

This issue of egalitarianism is beyond gender. Which then raises the question, is ethnicity, education, and class a part of the hierarchy model? I think yes.

This has been working on me since I left a meeting yesterday. I left feeling frustrated at how my energy drained from me as I sat there - not engaged.

The more I have been part of the "new" small group meetings - women's circles - embracing self-organizing...these meetings have become my new normal. I think it is because we use processes in these gatherings to make space for all voices to be heard. I do not feel the men in these gatherings are dominating - but they are there as equals with the women...egalitarian gatherings.

(At our last design teammeeting, Linda & Mike commented that it was one of the strangest meetings they had ever attended. They asked if we always ran meetings this way? They went on to explain why they asked this. Everyone's voice was heard and respected, no voting, but decisions were made, no one person was leading, people volunteered for roles of responsibility for the project as they felt moved to, and differences were allowed and welcomed. They expressed a desire to be in more of these kinds of meetings.)

Yesterday's meeting felt dominated by hierarchy. In particular, everyone (myself included) directing everything to "the leader". Nothing moved. It is not how I want to show up. I want to be responsible for my own experience. How do I ask for what I need in these situations? What has to shift in me to enable me to carry this with me where ever I show up?

The special project meetings feel hierarchical too - whether the Leader is there or not. The best interaction I've had with this group - was a small group conversation after the meeting ended and others had left. Three of us remained behind talking about what was going on for each of us with the group. Thank you Gayle for initiating that conversation.

So far, when I'm not leading the meeting, my best experience in shifting the conversation has been personally taking responsibility in opening the gathering by asking the connection question. (why was it important for you to be here today?) This seems to provide an opening - space - for something different to happen - no matter who has called the meeting.

Is it that simple? Does that really hold the power to shift the conversation? What has been your experience?

The story behind my question of egalitarianism vs. hierarchy is made up of many pieces. Pieces that have recently accumulated to bring me to this conversation -

Several months ago when meeting with the our team the boss showed up - the boss commented how egalitarian Eric and I are when we are facilitating one of the monthly gatherings. It stuck with me and I am still pondering why that was so unusual that it prompted the comment?

Then recently someone who is an elder in the Christian community - told me that there was a time when he would not have met with me - because he was afraid of strong women.

On the surface, I wondered why people have said this to me before? I don't think of myself as particularly strong.

About the same time, I shared in a group how I had a strong relationship with my father and could, and would, argue with him as an adult on differences in opinions and values - but we never were mad at each other. I've been told this is unusual for a daughter - it is the role of a son with the father.

What that says to me is that my father not only always told my sister and me we were equal to men, but modeled it in his actions with us.

What does it mean when someone tells you that you are a "strong woman" or you tell a woman "she is a strong woman"?

What do you think it means that men might be afraid of engaging in conversation or relatinship with a woman who expects to be treated as an equal? Is that your experience?

This is where I have landed today - being a strong woman is just code for saying when I show up I expect to be treated as an equal and to "only" treat you as an equal. (there's that egalitarian thing again.) Also, I'm realizing my energy drains from me when I don't show up this way as it did in yesterday's meeting.

BTW - I don't think I have ever said to a man “you are a strong man”.)