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Looking at "the Big Dipper version 1.0" - leaves me feeling very sad and takes me back to how powerless I felt much of that summer. No matter how much research I did, how hard I worked at learning this new vocabulary of cancer, hospitals, doctor's offices, and nursing care, I could not save my dad. How did I survive that summer? Somewhere along the way, I learned the gift of gratitude and to be thankful for everyday treasures.
I found in that summer the other bright stars that were surrounding that Big Dipper's seven stars. Thinking about those stars (smaller stories) makes me smile now and made me smile then. In the midst of that summer, I could pull out a moment of laughter and joy and hold on.
The Other Stars:
Twinkle Star #1 - May 13 - my parents were married 50 years. A huge milestone considering some of the struggles they had been through.
Twinkle Star #2 - May 17 - we surprised them with a 50th Anniversary Celebration - friends and family showed up to tell them how special they were to them. How grateful I am that these people had a chance to say those things to my mom and dad. Thinking about it now, makes me tear up. I did not know then it would be the last time many of them would see or speak to my parents. My parents got to visit with their grandchildren and two great-grandchildren.
Twinkle Star #3 - June 5 - my youngest daughter, Erica graduated from high school and my parents were part of the festivities. They had a special bond with Erica as they helped me raise her from birth to age 2 1/2 yrs. It is a happy memory to hold on to.
Twinkle Star #4 - June 15 - Erica wrecked my husband's mini-van and walked away without a scratch nor any harm to the driver that hit her. How grateful we all were to have her healthy and whole.
Twinkle Star #5 - Late June/early July - My sister flies in to visit for a few days after Dad's diagnosis and we begin reconnecting. She has lived in Louisiana for ten years and we have become strangers to each other. A new friendship and love begins to grow.
Twinkle Star #6 - After July 20th official diagnosis of Mom's cancer, Katie flies back to town. She stays to help Mom and Dad in their home and to help me with getting to and from the doctors' appointments. We have some wonderful conversations and share laughter and tears as we walk this out. She flies back home once we get Mom started on her radiation treatments.
Twinkle Star #7 - August 13 - Dad's foot is amputated. While he is in recovery, I run to the airport to pick Katie up. I bring her by the hospital so she could see him - even though he was not conscious when I left for the airport. As she and I prepare to say good night to Dad, the nurse asks who is staying the night with him? No one had told me that this was required. Katie stepped right into it. I am grateful that she was willing and able to do this. I was exhausted from the past few days with Dad, Mom, doctors, and a fulltime job. I think I would have been pretty worthless to Dad that night.
Twinkle Star #8 - August 25 - Katie is still in town. She agrees to step into my role while Eric, Erica and I take some time off to go school shopping for college. It was an amazingly wonderful day. All my cares fell away and I spent the day with the two of them, laughing and shopping, talking about Erica's future, what was college going to be like for her. How excited we all were for her to go off to college at Hollins University in Roanoke Virginia. How proud her grandparents were of her. Just thinking about it now, makes me feel good.
Twinkle Star #9 - August 28 - We leave that morning (after Katie's phone call at 7:30am about Dad) - for Roanoke. We had made the decision that life is for the living and I knew from our conversations that Dad was looking forward to his girl going off to school. He couldn't bear the thought of her missing the first day of college for him. We arrive in Roanoke that evening and Erica is settled into her dorm. We spend the next few days registering, paying tuition, buying furnishings for her dorm room, meeting her roommate and dorm mates, having dinner with her and them. We leave her and head home on Sunday, August 31.
Katie and I meet with the funeral home and make all the arrangements for mom. She is too ill and too depressed to come with us.
Twinkle Star #10 - September 4 - Mom paid for the grandchildren to fly home for the funeral. I am grateful we were able to do this for them and for Mom. All summer, Mom and Dad's friends and neighbors helped us. Sometimes they met me half way with Dad or Mom to take them to doctors' appointments (my parents lived 35 miles from me and the doctors) - Other neighbors took card of their five acres - mowing and helping bring in the veggies from the garden. My father's last garden. They visited Dad at the hospital. I don't think Dad was ever alone. They helped Mom as much as she would let them. The day of the funeral, I have no idea how many people showed up - 100+ easy. The caravan to the cemetery had over 50+ cars. My father had touched many lives. He was a good man.
I am grateful Dad and Mom had so many people around them to love them when Katie and I could not be there.
My father died, August 30, 1997, age 71. My mother died February 3, 2001, age 74. I learned a lot that summer about the importance of having a patient advocate when you are "really" sick. I put it all to work to keep Mom alive for 3 1/2 years not the 24 months they had given her. Mom was able to make multiple trips to Louisiana and spend time with Katie and her children. We traveled together to Katie's son's wedding in April, 1998. Mom got to meet and hold her third great-grandchild. Mom attended the wedding of her oldest granddaughter with two older sisters who flew in from Knoxville. It was the last time they would see her alive.
The summer of 1997, my husband, Eric was my rock. He walked beside me as I made hard decisions and ran myself ragged trying to save my dad. He believed me when I told him I knew my father was going to have to have his other leg amputated. Other family members and even the oncologist didn't believe me when I told them it was time to think of transferring Dad to hospice, but Eric believed me. Thank you Eric.
So, I suppose that means there is a Big Dipper Version 3.0 - because the Summer of 1997 is not complete without all of these stars. I did not include every thing or every one - it is only because this note would have been too long for anyone to read. Each person who touched my life that summer helped carry me through.
My hope is that in your darkest moments that you will look around for those other stars that they might help light your way through the dark.
*Chene' Swart of South Africa visited Cincinnati this spring. She came to join us at A Small Group with Peter Block. Chene' shared with us her work with "Narrative Therapy". Here is my understanding of Narrative Therapy (NT) and how I have applied it to my life stories. NT shows us that we all have a story we tell ourselves about everything that has happened in our lives. This story is created and somewhat determined by our age and level of maturity at the time of the event and our perceptions. It does not mean it is not true, but it may not be the whole story. For instance, when we look at the stars, many of us have learned to identify the constellations. It doesn't mean there aren't other stars surrounding those constellations, but that the other stars are just not part of the constellation.
I found in that summer the other bright stars that were surrounding that Big Dipper's seven stars. Thinking about those stars (smaller stories) makes me smile now and made me smile then. In the midst of that summer, I could pull out a moment of laughter and joy and hold on.
The Other Stars:
Twinkle Star #1 - May 13 - my parents were married 50 years. A huge milestone considering some of the struggles they had been through.
Twinkle Star #2 - May 17 - we surprised them with a 50th Anniversary Celebration - friends and family showed up to tell them how special they were to them. How grateful I am that these people had a chance to say those things to my mom and dad. Thinking about it now, makes me tear up. I did not know then it would be the last time many of them would see or speak to my parents. My parents got to visit with their grandchildren and two great-grandchildren.
Twinkle Star #3 - June 5 - my youngest daughter, Erica graduated from high school and my parents were part of the festivities. They had a special bond with Erica as they helped me raise her from birth to age 2 1/2 yrs. It is a happy memory to hold on to.
Twinkle Star #4 - June 15 - Erica wrecked my husband's mini-van and walked away without a scratch nor any harm to the driver that hit her. How grateful we all were to have her healthy and whole.
Twinkle Star #5 - Late June/early July - My sister flies in to visit for a few days after Dad's diagnosis and we begin reconnecting. She has lived in Louisiana for ten years and we have become strangers to each other. A new friendship and love begins to grow.
Twinkle Star #6 - After July 20th official diagnosis of Mom's cancer, Katie flies back to town. She stays to help Mom and Dad in their home and to help me with getting to and from the doctors' appointments. We have some wonderful conversations and share laughter and tears as we walk this out. She flies back home once we get Mom started on her radiation treatments.
Twinkle Star #7 - August 13 - Dad's foot is amputated. While he is in recovery, I run to the airport to pick Katie up. I bring her by the hospital so she could see him - even though he was not conscious when I left for the airport. As she and I prepare to say good night to Dad, the nurse asks who is staying the night with him? No one had told me that this was required. Katie stepped right into it. I am grateful that she was willing and able to do this. I was exhausted from the past few days with Dad, Mom, doctors, and a fulltime job. I think I would have been pretty worthless to Dad that night.
Twinkle Star #8 - August 25 - Katie is still in town. She agrees to step into my role while Eric, Erica and I take some time off to go school shopping for college. It was an amazingly wonderful day. All my cares fell away and I spent the day with the two of them, laughing and shopping, talking about Erica's future, what was college going to be like for her. How excited we all were for her to go off to college at Hollins University in Roanoke Virginia. How proud her grandparents were of her. Just thinking about it now, makes me feel good.
Twinkle Star #9 - August 28 - We leave that morning (after Katie's phone call at 7:30am about Dad) - for Roanoke. We had made the decision that life is for the living and I knew from our conversations that Dad was looking forward to his girl going off to school. He couldn't bear the thought of her missing the first day of college for him. We arrive in Roanoke that evening and Erica is settled into her dorm. We spend the next few days registering, paying tuition, buying furnishings for her dorm room, meeting her roommate and dorm mates, having dinner with her and them. We leave her and head home on Sunday, August 31.
Katie and I meet with the funeral home and make all the arrangements for mom. She is too ill and too depressed to come with us.
Twinkle Star #10 - September 4 - Mom paid for the grandchildren to fly home for the funeral. I am grateful we were able to do this for them and for Mom. All summer, Mom and Dad's friends and neighbors helped us. Sometimes they met me half way with Dad or Mom to take them to doctors' appointments (my parents lived 35 miles from me and the doctors) - Other neighbors took card of their five acres - mowing and helping bring in the veggies from the garden. My father's last garden. They visited Dad at the hospital. I don't think Dad was ever alone. They helped Mom as much as she would let them. The day of the funeral, I have no idea how many people showed up - 100+ easy. The caravan to the cemetery had over 50+ cars. My father had touched many lives. He was a good man.
I am grateful Dad and Mom had so many people around them to love them when Katie and I could not be there.
My father died, August 30, 1997, age 71. My mother died February 3, 2001, age 74. I learned a lot that summer about the importance of having a patient advocate when you are "really" sick. I put it all to work to keep Mom alive for 3 1/2 years not the 24 months they had given her. Mom was able to make multiple trips to Louisiana and spend time with Katie and her children. We traveled together to Katie's son's wedding in April, 1998. Mom got to meet and hold her third great-grandchild. Mom attended the wedding of her oldest granddaughter with two older sisters who flew in from Knoxville. It was the last time they would see her alive.
The summer of 1997, my husband, Eric was my rock. He walked beside me as I made hard decisions and ran myself ragged trying to save my dad. He believed me when I told him I knew my father was going to have to have his other leg amputated. Other family members and even the oncologist didn't believe me when I told them it was time to think of transferring Dad to hospice, but Eric believed me. Thank you Eric.
So, I suppose that means there is a Big Dipper Version 3.0 - because the Summer of 1997 is not complete without all of these stars. I did not include every thing or every one - it is only because this note would have been too long for anyone to read. Each person who touched my life that summer helped carry me through.
My hope is that in your darkest moments that you will look around for those other stars that they might help light your way through the dark.
*Chene' Swart of South Africa visited Cincinnati this spring. She came to join us at A Small Group with Peter Block. Chene' shared with us her work with "Narrative Therapy". Here is my understanding of Narrative Therapy (NT) and how I have applied it to my life stories. NT shows us that we all have a story we tell ourselves about everything that has happened in our lives. This story is created and somewhat determined by our age and level of maturity at the time of the event and our perceptions. It does not mean it is not true, but it may not be the whole story. For instance, when we look at the stars, many of us have learned to identify the constellations. It doesn't mean there aren't other stars surrounding those constellations, but that the other stars are just not part of the constellation.
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