Strong Women - Egalitarian Society

Here is the question that has been working on me, "why is it important to me that I live in an egalitarian society?"

I am inviting you to engage with me in a conversation about hierarchy and egalitarian gatherings. How are they different from each other? How can we each lead from the side to move to egalitarian gatherings?

This issue of egalitarianism is beyond gender. Which then raises the question, is ethnicity, education, and class a part of the hierarchy model? I think yes.

This has been working on me since I left a meeting yesterday. I left feeling frustrated at how my energy drained from me as I sat there - not engaged.

The more I have been part of the "new" small group meetings - women's circles - embracing self-organizing...these meetings have become my new normal. I think it is because we use processes in these gatherings to make space for all voices to be heard. I do not feel the men in these gatherings are dominating - but they are there as equals with the women...egalitarian gatherings.

(At our last design teammeeting, Linda & Mike commented that it was one of the strangest meetings they had ever attended. They asked if we always ran meetings this way? They went on to explain why they asked this. Everyone's voice was heard and respected, no voting, but decisions were made, no one person was leading, people volunteered for roles of responsibility for the project as they felt moved to, and differences were allowed and welcomed. They expressed a desire to be in more of these kinds of meetings.)

Yesterday's meeting felt dominated by hierarchy. In particular, everyone (myself included) directing everything to "the leader". Nothing moved. It is not how I want to show up. I want to be responsible for my own experience. How do I ask for what I need in these situations? What has to shift in me to enable me to carry this with me where ever I show up?

The special project meetings feel hierarchical too - whether the Leader is there or not. The best interaction I've had with this group - was a small group conversation after the meeting ended and others had left. Three of us remained behind talking about what was going on for each of us with the group. Thank you Gayle for initiating that conversation.

So far, when I'm not leading the meeting, my best experience in shifting the conversation has been personally taking responsibility in opening the gathering by asking the connection question. (why was it important for you to be here today?) This seems to provide an opening - space - for something different to happen - no matter who has called the meeting.

Is it that simple? Does that really hold the power to shift the conversation? What has been your experience?

The story behind my question of egalitarianism vs. hierarchy is made up of many pieces. Pieces that have recently accumulated to bring me to this conversation -

Several months ago when meeting with the our team the boss showed up - the boss commented how egalitarian Eric and I are when we are facilitating one of the monthly gatherings. It stuck with me and I am still pondering why that was so unusual that it prompted the comment?

Then recently someone who is an elder in the Christian community - told me that there was a time when he would not have met with me - because he was afraid of strong women.

On the surface, I wondered why people have said this to me before? I don't think of myself as particularly strong.

About the same time, I shared in a group how I had a strong relationship with my father and could, and would, argue with him as an adult on differences in opinions and values - but we never were mad at each other. I've been told this is unusual for a daughter - it is the role of a son with the father.

What that says to me is that my father not only always told my sister and me we were equal to men, but modeled it in his actions with us.

What does it mean when someone tells you that you are a "strong woman" or you tell a woman "she is a strong woman"?

What do you think it means that men might be afraid of engaging in conversation or relatinship with a woman who expects to be treated as an equal? Is that your experience?

This is where I have landed today - being a strong woman is just code for saying when I show up I expect to be treated as an equal and to "only" treat you as an equal. (there's that egalitarian thing again.) Also, I'm realizing my energy drains from me when I don't show up this way as it did in yesterday's meeting.

BTW - I don't think I have ever said to a man “you are a strong man”.)